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Mutant space monkey zombie ninja pirates from Mars

Not very many people have seen them, or even know about the existence of Mutant space monkey zombie ninja pirates from mars, but those who have claim they might just be the coolest kind of pirates ever.

Mutant space monkey zombie ninja pirates from Mars have a long history full of epic battles. Their origins trace back to 6594 B.C. The first hardship they had to overcome was to rid their planet, Mars, of all monkey mutant space ninja pirate zombies. This Anti-Monkey Mutant Space Ninja Pirate Zombian Revolution took nearly 3 years, culminating in an epic battle of piracy and breakfast oat-flinging, fought out on the wastelands near the town of Fairview. After decisively beating their arch-enemies, the Mutant space monkey zombie ninja pirates from Mars gained control over the entire red planet. One of the first things they did was eliminating all traces of the former communist regime and installing a new, capitalist regime, with Grand Supreme Fearless Leader Chang as their president.History

Over the years, they spent most of their time trying to take over planet Earth. They would probably have succeeded in doing so, but found it to be a waste of their time. In 64 AD, their efforts culminated in the burning of Rome, causing most texts about the Happy Dance to be lost forever.

Later, they started colonizing Uranus.

]Where to find them

Obviously, Mars, which is their home planet, is your best bet if you would like to encounter a Mutant space monkey zombie ninja pirate from Mars. Recently however, Mutant space monkey zombie ninja pirates from Mars have long since begun colonizing Uranus. Not only have they built structures on the surface of Uranus, but since its outer crust is so easily penetrable, they have dug tunnels and built inside of Uranus. Yes, there are Mutant space monkey zombie ninja pirates from Mars in Uranus.

]How to handle a Mutant space monkey zombie ninja pirate from Mars

When encountering a Mutant space monkey zombie ninja pirate from Mars, do not be startled by its extremely ugly, but at the same time cool looks. They are actually kind of nice once you get to know them. Just follow these guidelines and they will not harm you.

• Flinging poo at one another is customary when first meeting a Mutant space monkey zombie ninja pirate from Mars.
• Do not say the word 'systematically' more than three times in a row, because this is considered to be the greatest insult of all in the Mutant space monkey zombie ninja pirate from Mars-culture.
• Mutant space monkey zombie ninja pirates from Mars like chocolate and listening to Jimi Hendrix.
• Mutant space monkey zombie ninja pirates from Mars do not like it when you punch them in the face.
• Mutant space monkey zombie ninja pirates from Mars are easily controlled by the Jedi mind trick, or just by blinking 5 times

in a semi sequential order.

From the last 4 guidelines we could conclude that Mutant space monkey zombie ninja pirates from Mars are not unlike human beings, except for the poo-flinging and their strange insults, were it not for the fact that they...

• Wear Chinese kitties for hats.
• Eat children.
• Sleep on top of cows.
• Like Bush.
• Are considered useful to Nature.

]what to do if they attack you

If a Mutant space monkey zombie ninja pirate from Mars starts to attack you, there are a number of things you'll need to do to survive.

• duck and cover, this won't work, but it is funny to them, and they may stop attacking you, if not for a few seconds
• Fling your poo at them, they're allergic to it
• Make "Ahnold" sounds, it's one of their few weaknesses
• Run away screaming, they'll catch you and kill you anyways
• Attempt to summon Chuck Norris, the .001% chance of you actually summoning him may be enough to scare them away

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~The Leviathan

AKA Kieran Stormcaller